So let me tell you a story…

I’ve been single a couple of years. Ended a decade old relationship. Walked away from someone who thought I was amazing, loved me unconditionally,
and we had a great time together. As hard as it was, I knew it wasn’t the right thing for me, and it had to end. I really believed that we both had our own separate journeys to go on and that by being together we made up one whole, but actually we should have been two whole people. Does that make sense?
Being single and turning 30 was good for me. Some people get depressed about leaving their twenties, but I just had this feeling that my thirties were going to be great.
I started my own business, something I had always wanted to do, had a great group of friends that I adore both here and in the city, but you know what it’s like when you are single…. you just really want that person to wake up to, to do things with, to talk to … to love you. So yeah, I wanted that, but those kind of guys down here all seem very few and far between. So I keep pepping myself up with “Katie, just go on your awesome popsicle journey and somewhere unexpectedly you’ll meet him. Besides, you don’t need a guy to complete you. Just go out in the world and do what you want, and the rest will fall in place.”
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I still want cuddles.
So one Friday night in April, after a crazy but awesome summer, I walk into my dear friends house to pick them up to head out. I’d been working so much that over the summer I’d lost contact with a lot of my friends, so wasn’t really up with what was happening in their lives.
There is a car I don’t recognise in the driveway and as I stride in there is the guy, sitting on the bar stool watching me walk through the front door. We both just looked at each other, and something clicked.
We go talking and I’m standing there, mentally ticking off everything, thinking… “this is too good to be true”.
Confident and chatty – tick
Loves vintage furniture and op-shopping – hello!
Likes camping, making things, fishing, surfing – ooh so manly. Love it. ooh what adventures we’ll have! (Isn’t funny how quickly you start projecting the future!)
Used to be a chef, loves food and wine – cha-ching! Me too! (not the chef thing, the food and wine). Squeal
Has owned his own business – you’re talking my language
Just moved over from the east coast – oh yeah, this guy must like adventure.
Reading Hemingway? – oh, stop it!
Well, i myself have never actually read Hemingway, but I should, and I’d like to, and you are, so that’s like totally fabulous.
And he stops and looks at me after meeting for such a short time and says “you’re a bit different, aren’t you?” – and I think “wow, I think this guy kinda gets who I am”
……
So, to cut a long story short, we got together pretty quickly, and lets just say I got carried away in what was a fairly intense month or so. In hindsight, I think I had actually burnt out; I’d been working really, really hard for almost 4 years with very little downtime and summer was crazy. I didn’t have the energy to work, I lost my focus and passion and the next summer was such a long time away. It was awesome doing things with this new guy – cooking, exploring the south west, op-shopping, and hanging out with my friends, and you know what….. just having someone to take care of… can’t help it, it’s the Cancerian in me. I totally got caught up in it all…. tisk tisk.
I guess there were warning signs… particuarly through my friends who weren’t all that sold on him. And with perspective, I am a firm advocate of “if your friends/family don’t like your partner, there is an extremely strong chance it’s because your partner isn’t actually good for you.” But it can be hard to have that perspective when you really want to be in a relationship. I was also making changes and allowances that I shouldn’t have, but did…tisk tisk.

Anwyay, so it all ended pretty quickly. I’ll spare you the details, but the “relationship” (if you could even call it that) died this kamikaze-suicide-mission death, and in the wreckage of it all, I was left wondering “how did this happen and how did we get here?” and also “I’m AWESOME, how dare you not think that and not want to be around me!”
So I was left moping and folorn for a while and my friends were stuck with “woe is me” conversations, and “let me rehash and reanalyse this situation one more time” . Disturbingly there was at least one phone call of just high-pitched yammering, and not much sense (sorry K).
I was just so angry, mainly at myself I think, because I’d had this dream, the popsicles, and I’d lost my focus, and I’d let my guard down and then he’d just stomped on my heart and discarded me. I was angry with myself for letting this happen and frustrated because I could sit there and rationalise everything and know that this wasn’t right for me, but why was I still so sad. Plus god forbid, it was only really for six weeks – get over it Katie.
You know what though, I am actually glad to have had, and am better for the experience. It taught me a lot, and gave me the impetus to try and get to the core of who I am and what I want out of life. It helped realign and refocus.
It was a crappily-good-glad-that-I-had-it experience and it taught me a few things, even just brought back to home a few truths, which I have written down as a reminder.
1. I am really fortunate to come from a place of love. My parents, friends and family love and support me, therefore in turn I am able to love myself, and importantly I can pay this love back to them, and also pay it forward to people I meet. During this time I watched a TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability. It’s ok to open your heart, and be vulnerable, you just need to know that you might get hurt, but you know, it’s ok. >> Watch the TED talk
2. Don’t think that there is someone out there that will complete you. You need to be a whole person yourself. One day you’ll meet a whole person and you’ll click and fall in love, and you’ll do amazing things in the world together. >> Read this great article by Colin Wright on “relationship maths”.
3. Even if you don’t want to believe it, don’t try and ignore those feelings when you know it’s wrong. You know when you’re not happy or when someone is pushing you away. It’s really hard, and I couldn’t even do it this time but try and muster the courage, stand up tall and walk away. >> Read this short article on Thought Catalog about when you just know it’s all wrong.
4. Don’t settle for someone that isn’t amazing. As random as it is, I was watching a TED talk about this guy who gave up his dream job to help clean up the BP oil spill off the Gulf of Mexico and it made me realise that there are amazing people doing amazing things out there. Don’t focus on losing someone who has their own small, unhappy world, just get out there make your own mark on the world and interact with amazing people. >> Watch the talk
5. If you have plans, and then you meet someone and you start to change those plans…. Don’t do it! I am really grateful we were only together for a short time, otherwise embarassingly and regretfully I would not have been able to go (and survive) on a glamping trip of a lifetime with a great friend, nor would I be about to head off on a fabulous adventure to East Timor, and I might not have such an awesome summer planned.
6. I’ve never really done this whole dating thing, as I was 19 when I got into my first relationship that lasted 10 years, but since being single and with this encounter I think that whole “women are so complicated and crazy” is bollocks. I say “we wouldn’t appear so crazy if you boys didn’t make us crazy!” Not all of you of course, a lot of you are lovely and well adjusted. But some of you aren’t either, and you all need to be put on an island together with a fence around it and just fed carrots.
7. If you are going through a break up, or just feel like you are never go and meet someone, just keep doing your own thing. Go and have an adventure (see #5), or or join or start a community project, or do a course or something. Anything. Anything that puts a smile on your face, and makes you stand taller and reminds you to love yourself and that you are awesome.
8. I know sometimes you feel like you are alone, but you’re not really are you? You are surrounded by amazing friends and family who love you. And now I think you should tell them in person how you feel, or drop them an email or send a text. Too shy, or want to suprise them? Try this. Thanks to my friends and family for putting up with my melodrama…. I’ll try not to let it happen again.
9. The best revenge is living fabulously. Just get out there and live your life, and have fun, be vulnerable, open yourself up to love, give back to people, be kind and caring, laugh a lot, surround yourself with friends and family who love you, and learn to respect yourself. Just go out today, and live your own fabulous life that is “full of passion, and worthied of being storied” and things will unfold in time. Have faith.
But today, if it all just seems too much – listen to this.… as many times as you need. Trust me, you’ll be fine….. just breath.
(Oh, and if worse comes to worse, I recommend medicating with cheese and champagne, whilst wearing a fabulous dress and red lipstick)
